Chickadee Press

I'm the newest columnist over at SimplySandwiches.net.  You should check it out.

They're delicious.   And they can't be bad for you.  The tobacco companies for years told us that they're not supposed to be bad for you.  And we know they lied.  Now they tell us they are bad for us and we're supposed to trust them.  I'm calling bullshit.

sandwiches are too
hard to handle when they're made
By the band Black Crowes

Internet ads are
are a lot like some flashers.
Seen but more harmless

    Yesterday I got to sit down and chat with Matt Hovde, the director of the outgoing Second City revue, "Between Barrack and a Hard Place." Second City is a really weird place sometimes.  It is the ultimate in niche celebrity in that so many people are close to actual celebrity.  It's not like stand-up or sketch where people could become big at any moment, but there's not a predictable rhyme or reason to it.  Somebody could see a stand-up and all of a sudden they're on Leno or Letterman or have an audition at SNL.  At Second City it's pretty difficult to get noticed without being on a Chicago Touring company or a resident stage somewhere in the system.  But that's only really for actors.  The directors continue to toil away here, and try to get to the apex of comedy direction which is directing on the mainstage in Chicago.  However they can make someones career.  One or two great scenes can mean TV deals and movie auditions.  So the directors of the Second City hold immense power, but have plateaued in terms of success.  So they just become their own weird kind of celebrity.  Only known to the indsiders of the scene, this makes them the most intolerable kind of celebrity in that they can propel those around them to stardom, but are frustrated themselves.  Such is not the case about Matt Hovde.  He is one of the most sincere, direct and interesting people I've ever met.  I had met him before, but never had something that he was passionate about to discuss.  His sense of simplicity and straight forward rules to create a very complex thing is inspiring.  He's brilliant and accesible and gave me quite a bit to think about.  That's it, nothing earth shattering.  Just nice.  Night Fuckers.

And I have to go make funny.  My pain puts the Rwandans to shame.

People's gas?  Bullshit.  I'm looking for some socialist qualities from this particular utilities company. 

Someone give Bill Maher his writers back.  He's not funny, never has been, and his monologues are so ridiculously painful without borrowed wit.  Maher has an agile, adroit mind with a real sense of populism and an uncanny awareness of the state of public opinion.  He has a way of cutting through the bullshit that is amazing.  But he is not funny.  His stand up specials are self aggrandizing pieces of shit that fulfill contract obligations.  I'm begging the WGA to hammer out a deal with "Real Time."

A Zombie Haiku:
Shuffling Zombies are
a lot like reaganomics.
Dead, but still scary.

Night fuckers.

There's a naked German airline now.  Well a subsect of an airline, and only one particular route.  But still, naked Germans huh?

GJSC buttons are on their way to the waiting masses.  Calm down you in the back.

Mexicans should be the only game show contestants allowed on television.  If you disagree, watch this week's "The Moment of Truth."

That's it fuckers.

Lizzie and I are laying in bed next to each other writing on our respective macs.  It's like a a twisted pseudo hipster version of "You've Got Mail."  I'm gonna pukes in faces.

Sometimes I find work can get tedious, like when at work.  When I need to entertain myself I often consider it engaging to irritate co-workers.  What follows are my methods.

Make Up a Nickname
Make up a nickname for a coworker.  Something like "Bugs" or "Samply The Cat" and inform all coworkers except the newly named coworker.  Revel in the profound confusion and frustration that sets in as the coworker gets confounded and irritated by the new name.

Sanford & Son
Sing the Sanford & Son song over and over again until the entire workplace is humming it or until the death threats commence.

Bread Eating Contest
If one is lucky enough to work in a restaurant where free bread is provided to customers, and more importantly, the staff.  Hold a bread eating contest.  Using a loaf of bread, make a bread microphone, that the announcer uses to introduce the contestants.  Contestants compete in three events.
1) The Sprint:  Who can eat the most bread in 2 minutes?
2) The Lovelace:  Who can eat the most bread in one bite?
3) The Marathon:  Who can eat the most bread over the course of an hour?

Have servers in adjacent stations officiate the marathon to maintain the competition's honesty and sportsmanship.  When one "yeastlete" takes two out of three events then announcer crowns the victor with a laurel of butter packets.

Cliterrati
Convince a coworker that there is a group of porn stars that are constantly photographed by paparazzi.  This group is known as the cliterrati.   Have other coworkers make reference to the cliteratti.  When the coworker makes reference to the cliteratti days later act as if you have no idea what they are talking about and do your damndest to convey disgust at the very idea.

One can only introduce themselves so many times with the phrase, "Well, I'm a waiter, but I'm REALLY a comedian!" without feeling totally sophomoric.  I think I'm going to start introducing myself as a cliche.

There's only one thing i love more than Baja California Starbursts, and that's writing haikus.  Below I combine my two great affections.

Aztec punch is great
Especially when one wears
A hand knit dickey

Starburst kiss virgins,
and limon follows in suit.
No herpsicle face.

Five flavors of grace
For only eighty nine cents?
This shit is the balls.

Fresca dreams bounce 'bout
dragonfruit is bluish pale
time for more starbursts

Amy tan asian
baja california
starbursts delicious

 
   It's rare to find a group of individuals who come together on the same page, especially in improv and sketch.  ESPECIALLY out of an open audition and I think I may have hit paydirt.  This could be pure hubris, but I am so elated with my cast and their commitment.  I'm looking forward to next Saturday and the first real rehearsal, getting them up on their feet and improvising.  I've gotta think of warm-ups.  Fuck.

I don't think the doctor from e-harmony is doing the voice overs for the commercials anymore.

    On a separate note, I want a pair of fake boobs to play with.  They don't even need to be attached to a human being.  I can't tell if that's more or less misogynist.  I just want shits and giggles and an enormous rack to play fuck nuts with.  There's not even a sexual component involved, pure novelty.  And apparently I can buy them on ebay. For $56.99 plus $21.90 shipping and handling I can have a set of detachable mammaries of my own.  Maybe I'll get them tattooed.  Something tasteful, like a rose with a screaming eagle carrying the confederate flag in it's beak.  Y'know, something understated.

I think I'm going to go to U2 3D later, but -  What? WHAT?!?  Where are you going... awww. fuck you.








I've opened up, and you've shunned me away, shame on you.

god bless adas and their twenty four hour matzoh ball soup.

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