Chickadee Press

Simply Sandwiches

2008-02-13T07:44:15Z

I'm the newest columnist over at SimplySandwiches.net. You should check it out.

Cigarettes.

2008-02-10T07:20:27Z

They're delicious. And they can't be bad for you. The tobacco companies for years told us that they're not supposed to be bad for you. And we know they lied. Now they tell us they are bad for us and we're supposed to trust them. I'm calling bullshit.

Haikus.

2008-02-07T15:48:27Z

sandwiches are too
hard to handle when they're made
By the band Black Crowes

Internet ads are
are a lot like some flashers.
Seen but more harmless

Matt Hovde

2008-02-06T15:46:36Z

Yesterday I got to sit down and chat with Matt Hovde, the director of the outgoing Second City revue, "Between Barrack and a Hard Place." Second City is a really weird place sometimes. It is the ultimate in niche celebrity in that so many people are close to actual celebrity. It's not like stand-up or sketch where people could become big at any moment, but there's not a predictable rhyme or reason to it. Somebody could see a stand-up and all of a sudden they're on Leno or Letterman or have an audition at SNL. At Second City it's pretty difficult to get noticed without being on a Chicago Touring company or a resident stage somewhere in the system. But that's only really for actors. The directors continue to toil away here, and try to get to the apex of comedy direction which is directing on the mainstage in Chicago. However they can make someones career. One or two great scenes can mean TV deals and movie auditions. So the directors of the Second City hold immense power, but have plateaued in terms of success. So they just become their own weird kind of celebrity. Only known to the indsiders of the scene, this makes them the most intolerable kind of celebrity in that they can propel those around them to stardom, but are frustrated themselves. Such is not the case about Matt Hovde. He is one of the most sincere, direct and interesting people I've ever met. I had met him before, but never had something that he was passionate about to discuss. His sense of simplicity and straight forward rules to create a very complex thing is inspiring. He's brilliant and accesible and gave me quite a bit to think about. That's it, nothing earth shattering. Just nice. Night Fuckers.

Drunk.

2008-02-03T16:50:08Z

And I have to go make funny. My pain puts the Rwandans to shame.

Misnomer of the Century.

2008-02-02T08:39:45Z

People's gas? Bullshit. I'm looking for some socialist qualities from this particular utilities company.

Someone give Bill Maher his writers back. He's not funny, never has been, and his monologues are so ridiculously painful without borrowed wit. Maher has an agile, adroit mind with a real sense of populism and an uncanny awareness of the state of public opinion. He has a way of cutting through the bullshit that is amazing. But he is not funny. His stand up specials are self aggrandizing pieces of shit that fulfill contract obligations. I'm begging the WGA to hammer out a deal with "Real Time."

A Zombie Haiku:
Shuffling Zombies are
a lot like reaganomics.
Dead, but still scary.

Night fuckers.

Airborne Germans Bare.

2008-01-31T21:16:34Z

There's a naked German airline now. Well a subsect of an airline, and only one particular route. But still, naked Germans huh?

GJSC buttons are on their way to the waiting masses. Calm down you in the back.

Mexicans should be the only game show contestants allowed on television. If you disagree, watch this week's "The Moment of Truth."

That's it fuckers.

Disgusting adorability.

2008-01-30T17:24:11Z

Lizzie and I are laying in bed next to each other writing on our respective macs. It's like a a twisted pseudo hipster version of "You've Got Mail." I'm gonna pukes in faces.

Fun at work.

2008-01-30T07:24:42Z

Sometimes I find work can get tedious, like when at work. When I need to entertain myself I often consider it engaging to irritate co-workers. What follows are my methods.

Make Up a Nickname
Make up a nickname for a coworker. Something like "Bugs" or "Samply The Cat" and inform all coworkers except the newly named coworker. Revel in the profound confusion and frustration that sets in as the coworker gets confounded and irritated by the new name.

Sanford & Son
Sing the Sanford & Son song over and over again until the entire workplace is humming it or until the death threats commence.

Bread Eating Contest
If one is lucky enough to work in a restaurant where free bread is provided to customers, and more importantly, the staff. Hold a bread eating contest. Using a loaf of bread, make a bread microphone, that the announcer uses to introduce the contestants. Contestants compete in three events.
1) The Sprint: Who can eat the most bread in 2 minutes?
2) The Lovelace: Who can eat the most bread in one bite?
3) The Marathon: Who can eat the most bread over the course of an hour?

Have servers in adjacent stations officiate the marathon to maintain the competition's honesty and sportsmanship. When one "yeastlete" takes two out of three events then announcer crowns the victor with a laurel of butter packets.

Cliterrati
Convince a coworker that there is a group of porn stars that are constantly photographed by paparazzi. This group is known as the cliterrati. Have other coworkers make reference to the cliteratti. When the coworker makes reference to the cliteratti days later act as if you have no idea what they are talking about and do your damndest to convey disgust at the very idea.

Introductions

2008-01-28T07:38:02Z

One can only introduce themselves so many times with the phrase, "Well, I'm a waiter, but I'm REALLY a comedian!" without feeling totally sophomoric. I think I'm going to start introducing myself as a cliche.

Baja California Starbursts Haikus

2008-01-27T18:15:07Z

There's only one thing i love more than Baja California Starbursts, and that's writing haikus. Below I combine my two great affections.

Aztec punch is great
Especially when one wears
A hand knit dickey

Starburst kiss virgins,
and limon follows in suit.
No herpsicle face.

Five flavors of grace
For only eighty nine cents?
This shit is the balls.

Fresca dreams bounce 'bout
dragonfruit is bluish pale
time for more starbursts

Amy tan asian
baja california
starbursts delicious

First cast meeting, Bono, and titty jobs.

2008-01-26T21:53:57Z

It's rare to find a group of individuals who come together on the same page, especially in improv and sketch. ESPECIALLY out of an open audition and I think I may have hit paydirt. This could be pure hubris, but I am so elated with my cast and their commitment. I'm looking forward to next Saturday and the first real rehearsal, getting them up on their feet and improvising. I've gotta think of warm-ups. Fuck.

I don't think the doctor from e-harmony is doing the voice overs for the commercials anymore.

On a separate note, I want a pair of fake boobs to play with. They don't even need to be attached to a human being. I can't tell if that's more or less misogynist. I just want shits and giggles and an enormous rack to play fuck nuts with. There's not even a sexual component involved, pure novelty. And apparently I can buy them on ebay. For $56.99 plus $21.90 shipping and handling I can have a set of detachable mammaries of my own. Maybe I'll get them tattooed. Something tasteful, like a rose with a screaming eagle carrying the confederate flag in it's beak. Y'know, something understated.

I think I'm going to go to U2 3D later, but - What? WHAT?!? Where are you going... awww. fuck you.

I've opened up, and you've shunned me away, shame on you.

Posted using TxtLJ

2008-01-26T07:02:29Z

god bless adas and their twenty four hour matzoh ball soup.

A month out from X-mas...

2008-01-26T06:17:04Z

and nobody is eating out. I swear to god, it's lesbians and foreigners that are left. Rang $500 today, walked with $91. Bitchles is poor.

I'm having my first cast meeting for my initial directing effort at Second City tomorrow at noon, after the new menu roll out at eight in the am. Ambitious name for adding chicken sliders to the trough. Debating names for second city show. current contenders:
-Toby Ziegler & The Sam Seaborn Dancers
-Immanuel Kant & The Deontologists Ball
-The Fuckycunts Afterschool Revue
-Sandwich and the stealth art of Counterforce
-Jew Run Media
-Daft
-Mamalottacoolatta
-Rave On: The Betty Crocker Story
-Lanky Brunettes & The Wicked Jaws
-The John Birch Wondertwins
-Robert Zimmerman of Hibing Minnesota
-Staind (The Musical Comedy)
-Broad Shoulders
-The Four Star Generals
and whatever else is bouncing around my head right now.
Grandma June's Sewing Circle is such a great name, and the group continues to kick ass as things progress. Posen rules. I love those guys.

So I joined Hulu, which is a site that puts network shows on the air and let's people watch them for free with, of course, limited commercial interruption. First show I queued up was "Moment of Truth." This show may be the most brilliant televised contest in the history of civilization. The basic premise of the game is that they ask contestants 50 questions about their personal lives while hooked up to a polygraph machine. They then re-ask 21 of the questions in front of family, friends, and a national television audience, and contestants answer truthfully for escalating amounts of moolah. The really fucked up thing about this particular program is that it picks upon common insecurities and foibles, digging through other people's shit at work, wondering if a significant other is really "the one," cutting corners, shit like that. It then monetarily rewards you for being a bad person or for owning up to it, depending on how you look at it. You get ten thousand dollars for admitting that you're not sure you're girlfriend is somebody you'd want to have kids with, or 25 grand for admitting that you're worried you have a gambling problem. The audience applauds at the cash going up, while the wife(and it's only been hetero men so far) weeps that you've had fantasies about her sister. It's a really bizarre situation to watch unfold. I like the smell of B.O. I just like, it's not a kink, i just think it's kind of savory and sweet, it's the olfactory equivalent of potato chips to me for some reason. This show is like a low key B.O. It kinda simmers and stays on the tip of the consciousness, and while I wouldn't admit to liking it in open conversation, I wouldn't mind if it lingers.

Reading a new book. I lost my iPod in a fevered haze about two weeks ago, and am conscientiously deciding to get back to reading instead of listening to the same 15 albums over and over again. I picked up two light volumes to kickstart the new habit. Dashiell Hammet's The Thin Man and The Maltese Falcon. Never dug mystery, thought I'd start with the master. The Thin Man is one of my favorite movies of all time and the Charle's dog is my favorite crossword answer. 30 pages in. Good stuff.

People I miss today:
Pete
Ben
Richard
Dora
Cynthia
Do
Olivia
Schtephy
Seanimal

I gotta to go to Brooklyn and the apparent Hipster paradise it has become. I'll trek out to NYC once the summer starts, with the girl in tow. I'll see too many people in too short a time.

Allright fuckers, I'm off to bed.
Best,
JJS II